Understanding 'Fawning': Why Teen People-Pleasing Goes Beyond Politeness

Distinguishing Fawning from Everyday Politeness in Adolescents

In the complex world of adolescence, many teenagers learn the importance of being polite and considerate. However, there's a growing understanding that some behaviors, often mistaken for mere politeness, might actually be a deeper psychological response known as 'fawning'. Fawning involves an excessive desire to please others, often at the expense of one's own needs and boundaries. Unlike genuine politeness, which comes from a place of respect and social awareness, fawning can be a survival mechanism, particularly in response to perceived threats or past trauma.

This behavior can manifest as consistently agreeing with others, avoiding conflict at all costs, or always trying to anticipate and fulfill the desires of those around them, even when it causes personal discomfort. For parents, recognizing the difference is crucial. While politeness is a healthy social skill, fawning can indicate underlying anxieties or difficulties in self-assertion that require attention and support.

The Roots and Risks of Fawning Behavior

Fawning is often categorized as one of the four 'F' trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s a strategy where an individual tries to appease a perceived aggressor or authority figure to avoid harm or rejection. For teenagers, this might not stem from overt trauma, but from environments where expressing disagreement or having differing opinions was met with criticism, emotional withdrawal, or punishment. They learn that the safest way to navigate relationships is to constantly seek approval and prevent any form of disapproval.

The long-term risks for teens who frequently engage in fawning are significant. It can lead to a weakened sense of self, difficulty forming authentic relationships based on mutual respect, and increased vulnerability to exploitation. These individuals may struggle with their identity, always adapting to fit others' expectations, which can contribute to anxiety, depression, and burnout. They might also find it challenging to advocate for themselves in academic, social, and future professional settings.

How Parents Can Offer Support and Intervention

Parents play a vital role in helping teenagers move beyond fawning. The first step is to create a safe and open home environment where children feel secure expressing their true thoughts and feelings without fear of negative repercussions. Encouraging healthy communication, where disagreements can be discussed respectfully, is key. Parents should model healthy boundaries themselves and teach their children how to set and maintain their own.

Active listening and validating a teen's emotions, even when they differ from your own, can build trust and self-worth. If fawning behavior is deeply ingrained or causing significant distress, seeking guidance from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor specializing in adolescent development, can provide valuable strategies and support for both the teenager and the family.

What happens next

Addressing fawning behavior in teenagers requires ongoing patience and understanding. By fostering an environment of acceptance and teaching essential self-advocacy skills, parents can help their children develop into confident, resilient individuals who can navigate the world authentically, rather than constantly seeking to please others for validation.